Another plan

I'm not the best planner. Most of my life has happened despite of me, not due to my extraordinary efforts. But as a child and young adult, I did have an image of what I expected my life to be.



I planned to meet my husband in college. I planned to get married right after graduation. I planned to have a nice job in the city and a nice house in the suburbs. I planned to get pregnant exactly when I was ready and to have two or three kids before I was 30.



Oh yeah, I planned.



Of course, this plan was not the same one that God had in mind. No, I didn't find a husband in college. I found him 6 years later (or maybe he found me!). No, I didn't get married right after graduation. But Fred and I did decide to get engaged after dating for 3 weeks...and were married 13 months later. No, I didn't find a job in the city and the aforementioned house. I found a job in a small town where I've now made a life with my family.



And I most certainly did not get pregnant when planned.



We were open to children right away after we were married. I mean, we weren't spring chickens or anything (I was 28, Fred was 39) so we figured there was no reason to wait. After a couple of years I had some preliminary blood work and was told there was nothing wrong. I guess maybe I was just afraid of what we would find out, but I didn't pursue any additional medical help for several years. When we finally did meet with a reproductive endocrinologist, they signed us up for the usual round of tests. We were officially fertility challenged.



Some of the tests came back OK. Others came back with the worst possible news for that point in our treatment. We spent the next 18 months waiting, medicating, testing, and praying. It was not a barrel of monkeys. It was emotional, lonely, heartbreaking. We were surrounded by pregnancy - friends, family, coworkers, heck it even seemed that every person I saw at the grocery store was pregnant. As much as I wanted to be joyful for them, I struggled to be anything but selfishly sorrowful. I feared that my dream of a family was not meant to be.



I was barren. Not just in my womb, but also in my heart.



We knew we were nearing the end of our options, and started to think more seriously about adoption. After a lot of discussion and research, we decided to try just one more test. If that one didn't go well, that was our sign. It would be time to stop.



And time to stop it was. Pick an agency. Do the home study. Take the classes. Wait for the license. Bite nails off while waiting for responses from presentations. Cry. Wait. Butterflies. Pray. Cry some more.



Less than a year after stopping treatment, we got "the call." Two weeks later we had Alec in our arms.



I will never forget that moment.



I often tell Alec his adoption story. I tell him how he was placed in my arms for the very first time, and how I cried happy tears and whispered in his ear "Alec, I've waited so long for you...I'm your Mommy. And I love you." It was so wonderful. Words cannot do it justice, truly. Granted, I did think I was going to throw up from nervousness. I also realized when we brought him home two days later that I had never actually given a baby a bath. Alec noticed. He cried through the whole thing. He also pooped in the middle of the night, and we couldn't locate a diaper. Yes, we were a regular comedy of errors! None the less, we found our way over the next days and weeks.



That moment did not cure our infertility. But it did cure our childlessness. It cured my pain. Sometimes I wish that I could have gone through the pregnancy experience...but what I now know is that I would only have wanted to give birth to MY children. Alec and Cece. They are the children that God made Fred and I to parent.



And I couldn't be more blessed.

Knock Knock...

We've officially reached a new level.

Alec is telling knock knock jokes.

He crawled into our bed this morning and said, "Let's play a game!"

"What game, Alec?"

He responded, "The knock knock game."

"Ok...how does that work?"

"Like this...Knock knock!"

"Who's there?" I said.

"Banana!"

"Banana who?"

"Banana car!" (followed by rampant giggling)

This continued for at least 15 minutes with other versions of my son's preschool stand up routine. None of them made sense, at least not in the adult mind. But that didn't stop us from giggling right along with him!

Here's a few snapshots from the last few weeks...

Trick-or-treating. In case you're wondering, Cece is supposed to be a puppy. It's actually the costume that I had made for Alec when he was about 18 months old, and I tried to make it girly with the pink bows. Not sure that approach worked but I figured this was the last year before she'll insist on a princess costume!!! I also assumed it would be cold outside and that the fleece costume would keep her warm. It was 70 degrees...go figure. The hood came off after the first 3 houses. Then she started coughing and it was the end of Halloween for Cece - but at least she made it down our short block.

Alec and I stayed out until the official end of trick or treating, even after dark. His expression in this pic says it all.

Cece in her "big girl" bed. No more crib for this little chickie!

After her first night in her new bed...sideways, but still in it!

Alec reading to his Cece. Aww :-)

I know I've said it before...

but please, would you pray for Abby? As her dad, Brent, has written on their blog, she's hit "rock bottom." Any prayer you could lift up would be so very appreciated. A link to their blog is on the right margin of this page. God can perform miracles and wonders...so please ask for one on Abby's behalf.

I have been a little worried about Cece today. She's been VERY whiny and just not herself. Yes, she's battling an ear infection, and yes, she's working on two-year molars (still!) but my worry is that she's in some other kind of pain.

Pain crises are a common effect of sickle cell disease. They can range from very minor, requiring OTC pain meds, extra oral fluids and rest, to extremely severe, requiring hospitalization, IV pain meds and IV hydration. In small children they commonly originate as swollen fingers and toes but that is not always the case. They can cause damage to various organs in the body and over a period of years that damage can lead to other problems such as necrosis, kidney failure, and blindness.

Cece has never had a crisis to date, at least that we know of. There was one occasion a couple of months ago when we thought she was having crisis pain in her elbow, but it turned out to be "nursemaid's elbow." Her brother tried to save her from rolling off the bed and had grabbed her arm, the elbow went a bit out of place, and voila. After 3 calls to the hematologist, and preparing to head to the hospital for the requisite IV meds, her arm turned back into place and all was well.

Today I'm just not sure. She's been grabbing at her arm and her leg through the day and has really been generally unhappy - which is not like her at all. So I gave her what is referred to as a "test dose" of ibuprofen to see if it helped. It did. But I still don't know if it's just teething!!!

So here's a little prayer that Cece's not in pain.

And a BIG prayer that Abby gets some relief of hers.

Favorite Foto Friday

I'm so glad it's the weekend. It's been a long work week with a lot of "windshield time" and long days of sitting in a small room with 5 other engineers. Oh yes, it is just as exciting as it sounds! After two nights of seeing the kids only for about an hour before bed, I was really missing them. It was a thrill to get most of the evening with them tonight. We don't have much going this weekend, just Alec's tumbling class in the morning and church on Sunday.

I do love my downtime!!!

Here's one of my favorite pictures from our outing to Blackberry Farm last weekend. Of all the activities and things to see, what did the kids have the most fun with?

Leaves.

Have a great weekend, and enjoy all of God's gifts. I'm gonna.

My favorite time of year

October has been a busy month. We've picked apples, played in the pumpkin patch, jumped in the leaves and done all of that good midwestern autumnal stuff. It's been great. I can hardly believe that the month is 2/3 of the way over already!

I've always loved the fall. I'm not really into summer...something about sweat that doesn't thrill me, I guess. But now, here we are as the days get shorter, and colder, and flu and cold season is coming soon - and I start to worry.

Yes, we've had 6 months of hospital-free existence. It has been AWESOME. So now I'm writing as I listen to Cece cough in her crib and wonder, how long will it be?

How long before we make the decision in the middle of the night that waiting for the pediatrician's office will just not do, and we'll run to the ER at 3 AM?

How long before I feel her sweet, curly head and notice a burning fever that will send us into Peds for a week?

How long before I will once again have to hold my darling down as she screams so that she can be poked, prodded, IV'd, cathed, xrayed and more...and how long before she'll forgive me?

Ah yes, during those trips to the apple orchards and leaf piles, I forget. It's a great form of amnesia. Sick? Who's sick? Not my kid. Look at her. She's just so full of JOY. But eventually, I feel her little hands and remember...don't let her get cold. She could end up in a pain crisis. Don't let her pet the animals in the petting zoo. She could end up with a bacterial infection that she wouldn't be able to fight.

But I guess most of all, I have to remember...don't forget to let her be a kid. Or to let her experience life. Or to enjoy every single precious moment. Because precious they are.

Right now, Abby's back in the hospital herself and struggling with yet another infection. Please keep her and her family in prayer!

Peace...with a pinch of paranoia

Things have been pretty boring around here, to tell the truth. But I have come to embrace the mundane. The average. The every day.

In other words, the healthy times.

It has been about 5 days short of 6 months since Cece's last bout with pneumonia, which was the cause of her last hospitalization. Really this is nothing short of a miracle. For a child with sickle cell disease it is just plain expected to be inpatient several times a year. (Isn't there something ironic with regard to the two definitions of "inpatient???" But I digress...) Last year she had frequent flyer status after visiting our friends in Peds 4 times, the last one ending on Christmas Eve. Thank you Lord, for the miracle of the timing on that release!!!

So although I try my hardest to have FAITH and PATIENCE and TRUST and all that good stuff, the reality is that I am always waiting. As another mom of a young child born with sickle cell disease said, "I'm always waiting for the other sickle cell shoe to drop."

Sometime soon I think I will post some FAQ's about SCD, because I sure didn't have a clue what it was all about before our beautiful girl came into our lives. But the reader's digest version is that there are a lot of issues that can come along with it, and no one can really tell you when or how or even IF your child will have to deal with them. It's a waiting game. A hoping game. A praying game.

I've never been a superstitious person, but every time someone asks me how the kids are doing I feel compelled to knock on wood. Ridiculous, I know. But this is life sometimes, for all of us. Taking a breath and hoping for the best. Taking a step and hoping not to fall. Taking a leap and letting faith show us the way.

So let me just say it out loud...and this is tough for this control freak to do...

GOD, YOU ARE IN CONTROL.

And YOU are good.

Tomorrow I attend my first patient advocate group meeting at our local hospital. I was asked to participate in order to represent parents of pediatric patients. I was flattered and surprised, and happily accepting of the invitation. I am hoping that maybe, in some very small way, I can make a difference for Cece's future - and for the future of any other children that will visit there. After all, she'll be spending her share of time in Room 204. She already has. But for now, she's sleeping peacefully in her room full of stuffed animals and waaayyy too many shoes (she has a thing for shoes - really).

Thank you Lord, for the healthy times. Please send some Abby's way.

More prayers, please...

Once again, not too sure that anyone reads this...but just in case someone does, please say prayers for Abby and her family. They are being tested in so many ways at this time. You can read about them at http://www.riggsbunch.blogspot.com/. As much time as we've spent in the hospital over the last two years, it does not even hold a candle to the trials that the Riggs' have undergone in recent weeks. God bless all of them!